Michigan

Yeah, so I am posting Michigan jokes. As a transplant, I can tell you that most are true, and pretty darn funny.

You know you're from Michigan when...
1.You've never met any celebrities.
2.You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
3.Your idea of a traffic jam is 40 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel.
4.You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day.
5.You bake with SODA and drink a POP.
6.The word "thumb" has geographical, rather than anatomical significance
7.Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon
8.Your year has 2 seasons: winter and Construction.
9.You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
10.YOU ACTUALLY "GET" THESE JOKES

Michigan's new slogans
The one that looks like a mitten, you moron.
No hurricanes here
The Orange Barrel State
So close to Canada you can hardly tell the difference
Got fudge?
Soda? We say pop here, buddy
The Midwestern "M" state without a wrestler for governor
Sandy beaches without severe undertow
Imagine an island where horse manure still litters the streets.
Water enough for any drought.
Visit Hell and Paradise
Where Ontario is a shortcut to New York
It's called snow. Get used to it
Deer processing available here
Try eating corn flakes without us
It's not the heat. It's the humidity
Hardly any annoying lizards or poisonous snakes.
Big on flannel
No toll roads and proud of it
Our biggest bridge makes yours look puny
Land of snow machines and bass boats
BIG mosquitoes
We know a place where wooden shoes are always in style.
Where lousy teams get new stadiums
Speed limit back up to 70, so move it.
Three out of four seasons very pleasant
The Red Wings State

Detroit Rules
1. You must learn to pronounce the city's name. It's Dih-troit, *not* DEE-troit.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules - Hold on and pray! There is no such thing as a dangerous, high-speed chase in Detroit. Everyone drives like that.
3. When asking for directions, start all directions with, "What do I look like - the Triple A?!?"
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through rush hour traffic on Jefferson "a Scenic Drive".
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00 a.m. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open game.
6. If you actually begin to stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot at. When you are to be "the first one off the starting line" when the light turns green, count to five before going, to avoid getting in the way of any cross-traffic not stopping for *their* red light. However, by counting to five, you risk being shot at again.
7. Schoenherr can be properly pronounced ONLY by a native of the Detroit metro area. That goes for Gratiot too. (They're pronounced shane-er and grash-it).
8. Construction and renovations on I-94, I-96, I-75 and I-275 is a way of life and permanent form of entertainment. (Aim at the road crew.)
9. All unexplained and unpleasant sights are simplified by the phrase, "I guess we're not in Kansas anymore!"
10. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect OR can be explained as "they're out-of-towners."
11. All old ladies with blue hair and driving a pink Cadillac have *total* right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 is 85, regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY.
13. The wrought iron on windows in Detroit is NOT ornamental. (DON'T get out of your car!)
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says "Keep honking, I'm reloading".
15. If you are in the left lane and going only 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving "because they are so friendly in Detroit." I would suggest you duck.
16. 275/696 is our daily version of NASCAR.
17. You must turn right and go a quarter of a mile out of your way in order to make a left hand turn.
18. Drive in the right lane only to pass someone in the middle or left lane.

Drive safely and enjoy your visit!